William Topaz McGonagall, often cited as the world’s worst published poet, now has a challenger for this honourable title thanks to the new edition of the Oxford Dictionary of National Biography, which was published this October.

The new edition of the Oxford DNB enters Theo Marzials, a poet and songwriter whom experts believe was responsible for even worse writing than McGonagall; as Scottish poet Hugh MacDiarmid comments,“William McGonagall wasn’t a bad poet; still less a good bad poet. He was not a poet at all…”

Kathy and Ross Petras, co-editers of the book Very Bad Poetry, elaborate; “with all due respect to the poor McGonagall, one is forced to agree; the man transgresses so many rules of rhyme, meter, taste, style, it’s a wonder he wasn’t shot for crimes against poetry.”

McGonagall was born in Edinburgh of Irish parents and gave up his job as a handloom weaver in Dundee to become a poet. This didn’t really work out and so he died penniless in 1902. Then a cult following came up and his fans now include JK Rowling, who named Harry Potter’s teacher Professor McGonagall. 

But if McGonagall’s poetry is this bad, one has to wonder why is he in the race for the title world’s worst published poet? “His ‘publication’ was often just a matter of him publishing his own broadsheets and trying, ‘trying’ being the key word here, to foist them off on the public”, Kathy and Ross explain. “Marzials, on the other hand, was a legitimately published poet. Just one book, granted…but Ford Madox Ford admired him as one of the Pre-Raphaelites and his work did appear in respected Yellow book magazine.”

Theo Marzials wrote a poem called A Tragedy in 1873, on his suicidal thoughts, which begins: “Death!/ Plop./ The barges down in the river flop./Flop, plop”. And Ends: “I can dare, I can dare!/ And let myself all run away with my head,/ And stop./ Drop/ Dead./ Plop, flop./Plop.” Kathy and Ross continue, “that said, any poet who puts the word ‘plop’ in a poem also deserves to be shot.”

The Belgian born Marzials, who worked in the British Museum, wrote besides poetry a popular song called Twickenham Ferry. When he retired in Devon, he became addicted to chlorodyne, a medicine containing opium and cannabis, and he died in 1920.

Kathy and Ross conclude, “In our mind, the first rule of poetry should be: Avoid using the word ‘plop’ in any poem, unless you are translating the works of Basho. The second rule: If, for some reason, you feel the need to use the word ‘plop’ do not, in the name of God and all that is good in this world, use ‘plop’ repeatedly. As a corollary, also do not use it repeatedly as a one-word line. Finally, our third rule: If you are using the word ‘plop’, do not do so melodramatically. ‘Plop’ and pathos simply do not mix. This also applies to other funny-sounding English words like: ‘doobie’, ‘dubby’, boobie’, et cetera. So, it is for these reasons that we feel the ostensibly ‘real’ poet Theophile trumps the poor ‘unreal’, or should we say ‘surreal’ poet, Will.”

And when it comes to terrible poetry it seems that 'real' tops 'surreal' in terms of value. A first edition of Pan-Pipes, A Book of Old Songs, Newly arranged and with accompaniments by Theo Marzials sells at Abe for £400 while A Last Poetic Gems ( Signed By Spike Milligan ) by William McGonagall sells at Abe for £100.

The complete Oxford Dictionary of National Biography of 60 volumes takes up 12 feet of shelf space and costs £3250 or $6500.

By Michou Gerits